he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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