I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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