Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
