you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Randomize
