she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
