I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
my liver is dry heaving
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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