I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
