I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
