Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
