I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
