New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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