That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
