I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
