Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
