What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
