Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
