I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
