I just made out with a guy for $7.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
