see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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