i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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