never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
