Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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