my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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