i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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