The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He did a backflip because drugs
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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