I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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