I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
