I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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