he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
