I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
