Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
