My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
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But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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