just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
