brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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