I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
