i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
