im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How does one acquire holy water?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
