I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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