No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
