I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
