Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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