If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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