why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
