I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize