Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
