there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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