the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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