This dress was meant to end up on your floor
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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