I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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