the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
operation have a gay friend backfired
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why are your pants in the freezer?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
