Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
