the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
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And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
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This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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