Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
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No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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