The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
