I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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