Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
