When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
