Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
worst night to have a conscience
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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