I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
