Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
